I had a conversation with my coach. I’m making some changes to my fellowship plan. I think it’s for the better. But honestly, I was feeling pretty tense about it. It felt scary. It felt like I was making an abrupt and rash decision. It felt like I was wasting all the energy that I had put into my fellowship before and the energy of others who’ve helped me. It felt like I was quitting and not digging in. It felt like I was moving onto to the next new exciting thing instead of digging in to some of the struggle and hardship. It felt like I was wasting my precious time regrouping and replanning.
At the same time, part of it felt really…right. It felt like the universe was coming together in some weird and jumbled way. Has there ever been something in the back of your mind that you’ve always wanted to do but never could, because of fear, or other excuses you made for yourself? That’s sort of what this has felt like. It feels like every single step I take towards this thing made it more and more real. And this most recent change was a big step for me. It’s an interesting dichotomy because usually when I want something, I really just go out there and go after it without hesitation. But I feel like there’s so much at stake in this instance. All these baby steps are important and at the same time, each one feels like a step into the fear of the unknown, or maybe more like the fear of my worst assumptions. I know I’m being vague, I’m just not ready to share yet. But I promise I’ll tell you more soon.
So I think this tension in my body is actually good. One thing I’m getting better at is understanding my emotions and being okay with those emotions at the moment. I’m learning to sit with them for a bit. Give it some time. To dig in and struggle with it. Doing so usually gives me some more perspective about how I’m feeling. And I know that in the end, I will come out a stronger person because of it. The tension doesn’t feel so great right now, but I’m excited for what comes out at the end.
I left MN to go to Ireland for my friend’s wedding. It was a nice distraction and break for my mind, all the while I still had this thing lingering in the back of my mind about what exactly I’m going to be doing now. It was actually nice to be there with a bunch of old high school friends. It was also nice to have people to travel with. I’ve been traveling so much by myself I forgot what it’s actually like to have company around to do things with – so much so that when I went to London by myself, I felt a bit lonely. Like, I didn’t know what to do with myself other than like, touristy things – which are getting a little stale. However, something that never fails, no matter where I go, is to be able to find a piece of home in Chinatowns and queer bars/clubs. It’s really amazing how you can be in a totally unfamiliar place halfway across the world and yet walk into one of these spaces and feel… at home. They all have their own little local twists of course, but the smells, the sounds, the taste, the sights, they’re all mostly very familiar. And to me, that’s very warming. It’s a testament to how cultures and communities survive, adapt, and thrive, across oceans and borders, despite the many efforts to erase them.
I’ve been home for almost two weeks now. To be honest, it’s been nice to be back as I was feeling a bit of travel fatigue. But the last few days, I’ve been itching to get back out. I can’t leave though because I don’t exactly know where I’ll go. I’m still feeling a bit lost as to what I’m looking for and what I’m trying to do. Like, it’s hard for me to even describe it to people. At least with the Asian American stuff I had a clear path. But now, I’m digging and trying to be okay with this ambiguity and unknown. I can feel myself getting there, but I’m still not there yet. I do feel more clarity than I did last week, which is good. I just have to be patient. Ugh! I’m so restless lol.